So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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