Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
