i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
