I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
