Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
