My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
