dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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