My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
