I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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