Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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