My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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