I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
