Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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