i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
