Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
