I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
