I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize