Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
