Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize