he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
