What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
