I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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