Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
