she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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