So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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