well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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