Sponge bath it is.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
