Some one left their pants in the elevator.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
