One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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