i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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