yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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