Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
