so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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