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he told me I talked like a deaf person
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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