don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
