You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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