I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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