She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
