Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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