he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
