His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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