Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
