He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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