i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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