If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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