Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
