after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
