It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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