i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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