my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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