Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
