You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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