I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
