I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize