the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My vagina is very pro this idea
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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