I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
