This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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